Can a person be wrongly suspected?

Remembering that sexual abuse takes place in secrecy and thrives on secrecy, whenever a parent is suspicious it is always safest to discuss those worries with another trusted person. Do not think that you must have proof that something is wrong before you act to intervene. If it looks wrong and feels wrong it probably is wrong, but safe people would understand and want to be open if the situation were looked at more closely to see what might be happening under the surface.

One of the most common reasons parents fail to act to protect their child is their fear of getting it wrong and causing a fuss. Abusive people rely on this natural human anxiety and they usually carry on until someone stops them. Parents should always trust their instincts in this situation.

If a child is unexpectedly found to be spending time alone with an older person, don't assume it is innocent and don't accept it must be innocent just because the older person says so. If the situation is not open and transparent then it carries some risk for the child. If a parent fails to be inquisitive and assertive in this situation their child is unlikely to feel confident to say if anything wrong has been happening.

Charles Fortt

Common risk situations

Here are some examples of where children have been abused by trusted people:

• Babysitting by unrelated teenage boys or men (including a boyfriend of the female babysitter).
• On 'sleepovers' when the child's parent had never met the host parents.
• Where a man who becomes known to a family as a friend but then gradually increases his involvement so that in time he arranges to have time alone with a child.
• In youth and religious activities where a child's parent has never met the leaders and assistants.
• In educational situations where a teacher takes special interest in a child and arranges time alone with the child.
• Music tuition or other leisure activities that involve individual, private attention and the child seems reluctant to go.
• In family situations where a child is left alone with someone the child sometimes seems uncomfortable with.
• Whatever takes place face-to-face can now happen over the Internet through use of email, chat rooms, social networking sites, web cams, etc.

It is important to understand that there is an infinite number of situations that could become dangerous for a child and it is impossible to describe them all.

It is not necessarily the situation that is dangerous but the attitudes and behaviour of the people involved. These are the warning signs that a parent must learn to recognise and then educate their child about.

Charles Fortt

Safe people:

• Are clear about children's vulnerability and do not create situations that could be difficult for a child to control.
• Do not seek to be alone with a child but they encourage parental involvement in the activity.
• Are clear about not being over-familiar with children and they do not impose or encourage physical contact with children that is inappropriate.
• Do not introduce or join in with any sexual jokes or conversation with children.
• Do not introduce sexual material to children unless part of formal sex education and previously discussed with the child's parent.
• Do not break normal adult-child boundaries and they do not act like children towards children.
• Do not allow or encourage children to do illicit things like smoke, take drugs or drink alcohol.

 It is sometimes thought that there are 'key words' an abuser might use to give the child a false sense of security. Unfortunately, there is no straightforward vocabulary a child could be taught that would help them recognise an abusive person - it all depends on the context. But think about what an abuser would need to do to win the victim's confidence and trust and to get the victim to comply and protect the abuser's secretive behaviour.

Secrecy and isolation from risk of discovery are likely to be at the forefront of the abuser's mind, so these are things they are likely to talk about. The abuser won't want to alarm the victim or cause the victim to run and tell, so they will say things to normalise the behaviour and make it seem ordinary or grown up. Since any sexually abusive behaviour will be partly motivated by sexual interest, the abuser will be likely to introduce sexual matters in inappropriate or unexpected situations. If the victim resists, the abuser is likely to use any form of emotional, psychological or physical pressure to get the victim to comply. What any child needs to learn is how to recognise their feelings as warning signs when any of these things happen.

Charles Fortt

A common worry parents have is how to broach the subject with their child without the child feeling uncomfortable, especially very young children. I think this issue is a bit like the general subject of sex education - which parent hasn't put off discussing sexual matters because 'now is not the right time'? The problem with taking this attitude with protection from sexual abuse is that the first person to introduce the subject may be your child's abuser. Far easier and more effective is to make anything sexual an easy subject to discuss with your child from the very beginning when sex doesn't have the emotional impact it will later on. The previous checklist of questions could be a guide for how to ensure your child knows where the boundaries are and how to recognise when those boundaries are being broken.

With older children it is never too late to introduce the subject of self-protection, and protection from sexual abuse should be part of a general discussion on bullying and other forms of interference with their safety. The biggest weapon any abuser will have is the victim's sense of isolation and helplessness. To protect themselves from abuse, children need to believe and feel that they can immediately disclose any worry to a parent or other trusted adult.

Charles Fortt